Transcript
WEBVTT
00:00:00.059 --> 00:00:05.493
I want to talk about working through the loss of somebody that is important in our lives.
00:00:05.493 --> 00:00:10.509
I've recently had three people that touched me in very meaningful ways.
00:00:10.509 --> 00:00:36.484
They've passed, they've moved on, and it is a really interesting time because it is when I feel the clumsiest, and so if you've ever felt awkward or judged or critiqued about the way you respond or deal to losing people, to people passing on, maybe you can relate to this and if not, maybe the people that you don't understand.
00:00:36.484 --> 00:00:39.588
Maybe this will give you some insight.
00:00:39.588 --> 00:00:41.270
Total and complete jerk.
00:00:41.270 --> 00:00:44.634
And I want to be super clear.
00:00:44.634 --> 00:00:53.732
Like I know, what I'm experiencing is nothing near what the family and loved ones of those individuals is experiencing.
00:00:53.732 --> 00:01:19.072
There's no doubt in my mind that that is a heavy load, and there's a whole bunch of other people out there that have the loss and they're grieving in the ways that they grieve, and I think that's kind of the key point here is that we all process grief at different rates and in different ways and, you know, often I feel like, oh, my goodness, okay, these people meant a lot to me.
00:01:19.072 --> 00:01:30.165
I do care deeply and I'm just guarding myself for the inevitable comment dang you're cold, dang you're heartless.
00:01:30.165 --> 00:01:31.787
Do you even care.
00:01:31.787 --> 00:01:38.263
That usually comes because I'm not crying, I'm not distraught.
00:01:38.263 --> 00:01:40.686
That doesn't mean I don't care.
00:01:40.686 --> 00:01:44.671
I do care, I really care for those people.
00:01:44.671 --> 00:01:51.753
But the way I process that, the way it looks externally, is probably just not the norm.
00:01:51.753 --> 00:02:08.894
And that's not to cast any judgment on anybody, except to say that I think I process it a little differently and my thinking through people passing on kind of comes from losing somebody that I cared about deeply when I was in seventh grade.
00:02:08.894 --> 00:02:13.311
Now, in that situation, I was a seventh grader.
00:02:13.311 --> 00:02:16.927
I had never lost a friend.
00:02:16.927 --> 00:02:19.984
That was my age and that was.
00:02:19.984 --> 00:02:21.329
That was quite an experience.
00:02:22.320 --> 00:02:31.710
The pain for me came from her not being there anymore and I understand all the intellectual, rational, logical thinking.
00:02:31.710 --> 00:02:35.304
They're in a better place and you know what, straight up, I don't care.
00:02:35.304 --> 00:02:38.449
I want them here with me.
00:02:38.449 --> 00:02:41.762
It's a little selfish, but that's what I feel.
00:02:41.762 --> 00:02:43.526
I don't want them to be gone.
00:02:43.526 --> 00:02:46.212
I don't really care where they're at.
00:02:46.212 --> 00:02:50.127
They're not with me, they're not available to me, I can't see them.
00:02:50.127 --> 00:02:53.545
They're gone and that's not cool.
00:02:53.545 --> 00:02:56.180
But it is life Now.
00:02:56.199 --> 00:03:04.074
The other thing with my friend that passed away back when, is I never told her how I felt?
00:03:04.074 --> 00:03:08.300
Is I never told her how I felt.
00:03:08.300 --> 00:03:11.911
I actually spent a whole lot of time and energy hiding my real feelings for her.
00:03:11.911 --> 00:03:20.169
Even today it still hurts me, that regret Like the regret never goes away.
00:03:20.169 --> 00:03:26.554
I never, ever, told her exactly what I thought.
00:03:26.554 --> 00:03:32.068
I put in effort to hide it and I'll never get the chance to tell her again.
00:03:32.068 --> 00:03:36.091
Sure, some people will say, yes, you can, and she's up there.
00:03:36.091 --> 00:03:56.954
Yeah, I know, because of fear, because of insecurity, because of cowardice, whatever, that I hid my feelings for her and I should have told her, and so that's kind of the foundation of how or maybe that's how I started learning how to process grief.
00:03:57.080 --> 00:04:00.229
Now, back then it was I took a really unhealthy way about it.
00:04:00.229 --> 00:04:08.093
But now, when people leave, like on the serious note, there's a few questions that I ask myself.
00:04:08.093 --> 00:04:14.152
The first question is did I help them understand how they have contributed to my life?
00:04:14.152 --> 00:04:17.968
Did I let them know what I thought?
00:04:17.968 --> 00:04:28.968
Did I give them my honest, straight up observations Maybe those uncomfortable things that other people won't tell them because it's not polite and did I contribute in some way to their path?
00:04:28.968 --> 00:04:55.749
Those are the questions that run through my head, because I know from that first experience that if I have more no's than yes's, I'm going to be carrying regret for me going forward, and I don't get yes's all the time right, because you know, I'm in the season I'm of the age where my friend's parents are going to be passing my friends.
00:04:55.749 --> 00:05:00.345
I've lost several friends here recently and it is a truth, it is a reality.
00:05:00.345 --> 00:05:24.552
Every single human being I know is going to die, and because we know that we can choose to celebrate and engage in a manner that is regret proof, and so maybe that's what I'm suggesting to y'all and I appreciate y'all kind of listening to me ramble here on this one, because it's a personal, real situation.
00:05:24.552 --> 00:05:30.007
But how can I react, interact with people so that I live a regret-proof life?
00:05:31.290 --> 00:05:37.427
Back to the questions that I asked myself right, did I let them know the influence they had on my life?
00:05:37.427 --> 00:05:40.735
Now I'm going to tell you some of my personal friends.
00:05:40.735 --> 00:05:47.716
When I tell them how they've influenced me, it's always they're like, oh, slow down bro, like you're doing too much.
00:05:47.716 --> 00:05:58.406
But I got to tell them, I have to tell them how they've influenced me, what they said, what they challenged me with, what value they brought into my life and how it's going to impact me going forward.
00:05:58.406 --> 00:06:01.853
I do it with a high regularity.
00:06:01.853 --> 00:06:09.375
That's part of my regret-proof lifestyle, if you will, and you know I think they like it.
00:06:09.375 --> 00:06:13.413
Like it may be a little bit uncomfortable After a while, they get used to it and they kind of know that.
00:06:13.413 --> 00:06:20.127
I'm just kind of going to show some feelings and let them know exactly how I feel and extremely specific about how they're contributing to my life.
00:06:20.148 --> 00:06:28.651
I think it's important to let people know what they've done that inspires you, that's helped you to grow.
00:06:28.651 --> 00:06:36.930
Because they don't know and you will be surprised how many times people have said like I didn't really do anything.
00:06:36.930 --> 00:06:37.754
Like, yeah, you did.
00:06:37.754 --> 00:06:40.391
Like you gave me a reason to keep waking up.
00:06:40.391 --> 00:06:47.497
Uh, or you helped me take that extra step, uh, you helped me transform my life and that helped transform other people's lives.
00:06:47.497 --> 00:06:50.632
And we have that influence and impact on people.
00:06:50.632 --> 00:07:03.459
And so being explicit and taking any opportunity I can to let people know how they've influenced my life is one of those regret-proofing behaviors.
00:07:04.204 --> 00:07:15.172
The other thing is, it's very close, it's like in the same bucket, but it's not exactly the same thing is did I tell them how I feel about them?
00:07:15.172 --> 00:07:55.666
And sometimes, rather most of the times, that's a matter of, like my observations, the things that I see that they're doing, that maybe they're not representing themselves in the best way, or that they're slacking off, or you know, if I have an opinion about somebody or a thought about somebody based on a disconnection between their words and their actions and they're important to me, I'm compelled to tell them what that is, because in my head, in Jesse land here, if I don't tell them, I have very high confidence that no one else is going to tell them.
00:07:55.666 --> 00:07:58.583
Otherwise, why are they continuing to do it?
00:07:58.583 --> 00:08:04.468
So I just give them the benefit of the doubt in that no one has told them about these things.
00:08:04.468 --> 00:08:18.420
And what kind of a friend am I if I'm not going to help them, like, if I'm not going to hold the mirror up to them and let them know that what they're doing ain't cool and it ain't all right?
00:08:18.420 --> 00:08:28.168
Or, on the other hand, when I see them doing amazing, monumental things that they're maybe not aware of or taking for granted, I got to let them know.
00:08:28.168 --> 00:08:31.100
So I have to let them know what I see.
00:08:31.701 --> 00:08:35.259
There's been times when I didn't do that and I seen it played out in really bad ways.
00:08:35.259 --> 00:08:39.455
At other times I didn't do that and I seen it played out in really bad ways.
00:08:39.455 --> 00:08:45.125
At other times I didn't say how amazing or impactful or thoughtful or whatever my thought of them was, and they kept playing small.
00:08:45.125 --> 00:08:55.668
They didn't, they never had even a glimpse of the magnitude of the human being that they actually were, and and I'm not okay with that, like I have to tell them.
00:08:55.668 --> 00:09:05.828
And so telling them, telling my people, what I think about them, is another one of those behaviors that helped me regret, proof, my life.
00:09:07.416 --> 00:09:12.763
And then, lastly, I asked like did I contribute into their path?
00:09:12.763 --> 00:09:16.187
What significant step like?
00:09:16.187 --> 00:09:18.029
What did I actually do?
00:09:18.029 --> 00:09:21.139
Did I have that thought and did I take action on it?
00:09:21.139 --> 00:09:23.123
Did I share some insight?
00:09:23.123 --> 00:09:29.528
What did I do that helped them on their path to becoming the promise they are intended to be?
00:09:29.528 --> 00:09:34.500
There's tons of opportunities to do that and they're not always welcome, right?
00:09:34.500 --> 00:09:55.288
Sometimes you're like you need to back off, like I can't go that fast, I'm not really that interested in the thing, but it's really a question of did I make the attempt to contribute to their path, to share my specific gifts, unique talents and so forth, to help them thrive or experience an enhanced quality of life?
00:09:55.288 --> 00:09:57.110
Did I do that yes or no.
00:09:57.110 --> 00:10:03.924
And that's a very easy yes or no, and that one's probably the easier one to get yeses on because all I got to do is try.
00:10:03.924 --> 00:10:06.995
Right, there's not a lot of vulnerability.
00:10:06.995 --> 00:10:08.278
I can try and they can like.
00:10:08.278 --> 00:10:20.169
Sometimes they don't even know that I'm trying, but I need to know that I did that and when I know that I've done that, then I have less regret in my life.
00:10:20.169 --> 00:10:30.245
And so we started talking about how we grieve and how we deal with loss, how we deal with people moving on to the next phase.
00:10:30.265 --> 00:10:35.975
If you believe there's one or whatever In my head, like this is going to sound really bad, but for real, this is what I think.
00:10:35.975 --> 00:10:37.558
Like I'm a little jealous.
00:10:37.558 --> 00:10:52.269
They're gone, like they don't have to worry about the damn election, they don't have to worry about all the drama on social media, they don't have to worry about bills, taxes, like they don't have to suffer anymore.
00:10:52.269 --> 00:11:03.639
I mean some of my friends that are still here and some that have passed, like they're carrying some, dealing with some really, really heavy stuff, and now that they're gone they can rest.
00:11:03.639 --> 00:11:08.075
And I think that's a beautiful idea, that they're not suffering anymore.
00:11:08.075 --> 00:11:12.145
And I'm a little bit mad at them because I'm stuck here suffering with the rest of us.
00:11:13.676 --> 00:11:18.958
So, you know, I feel kind of celebrate a little bit, right, that they had an impact here.
00:11:18.958 --> 00:11:33.368
They're chilling while we're still here dealing with stuff, but I think it's helping me see, and thank you for listening because, if you can't tell, I'm kind of processing through my thoughts and my emotions about this Grieving for people.
00:11:33.368 --> 00:11:40.379
I think for me looks different because I have these regret-proof behaviors in my life.
00:11:40.379 --> 00:11:42.306
I mean, I hope that's true.
00:11:42.306 --> 00:11:52.006
Right, it is very possible that I'm suppressing feelings and intellectualizing my emotions, but I don't think that's true.
00:11:52.467 --> 00:12:05.356
I really think that we have so many opportunities to celebrate each other, like for real, for real, right, I'm not talking about thumbs up and smiley faces on the damn socials.
00:12:05.356 --> 00:12:25.261
I'm talking about having a straight up eye contact conversation with somebody and letting them know how they've impacted your life and what you think about them and what you feel about them and really just operating in a way that you don't leave things unsaid the loving, meaningful things, the the rough, harsh things.
00:12:25.261 --> 00:12:38.981
If we could just share that kind of reality with people, our experience together would be so rich and we won't have anything to cry about when they're gone be cool, and we'll talk at you next time.
00:12:38.981 --> 00:12:39.964
Peace.
